No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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