But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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