I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
