I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
