Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
