I feel great
I just peed on a car
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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