peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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