then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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