i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
