Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
