I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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