Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
