if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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