I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
