Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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