there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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