hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
