i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
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I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??