woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
