Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
