I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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