My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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