Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
As shirtless as possible
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
