Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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