I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
