I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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