It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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