what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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