i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
