i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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