Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
