I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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