U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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