I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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