i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
