Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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