so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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