I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
