Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
