They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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