is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
