got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just invented taco cereal.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
