Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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