If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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