She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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