Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
