Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
