Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
