Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
