I hate all girls vehemently.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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