The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
