All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
