We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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