when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
