put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
