I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
