It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
