Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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