sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
