So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
